friend zone — Photo by Jonathan Potter (CC BY-SA 2.0)

She Tells You Everything!

That’s great, isn’t it? Not like her boyfriend – she really doesn’t confide in him at all. And no wonder–he's such a jerk to her. I just KNOW she likes me more than him, because so many things in the way she talks about him makes it obvious that I'm better to her than he is!

Is that what you think?

Sorry to burst another bubble, but NO. That’s not good. That means you're stuck in the dreaded “friend zone,” and I’m going to show you four different reasons you got there.

She Confides in Her…GIRLFRIENDS

I put this one first because it’s not actually bad that she confides in you. It’s a warning sign: she sees you as a girlfriend–but it can also be very good: she trusts you and lets down her guard with you.

The problem, however, is that her confidence is not a sign of attraction. Women are NOT MEN. As I’ll get to next, her confidence means that she trusts that you will like her even when she tells you the deepest darkest secrets that keep her up at night.

That may be “trust” in the unconditional nature of your bond…

…or it may be that she doesn’t CARE if whatever she tells you pushes you away.

Let’s get the value out of it, though. Be a man, i.e. don’t kiss her ass, but you can also get a lot of value out of what she tells you, because she is letting you know who she is and what she cares about and, especially, what really affects her.

DON’T use it as an opportunity to differentiate yourself from the jerks, though – you’ll see in a minute why that strategy is SO WRONG.

How to Make the Most of a Bad Situation

In the context that you currently use to show concern, get more granularity on things that really move her…

…inspire her…

…turn her on…

…arouse her…

…weaken her resolve…

…motivate action…

…change her mind…

…control her behavior…

I hope you recognize what you're going for:

What helps her make decisions?

What makes her do things that she thought she wouldn’t?

What excuse does she use when she indulges in pleasure she was going to resist?

While you are getting valuable information though, and reveling in your close friendship, I’ll ask you to SIT DOWN while I give you the bad news:

She Doesn’t Confide in her BOYFRIEND

I’ll get to why this is HORRIBLE for you in a second, but before I do, let’s just say that some of the things you think are great (and even the things I SAID were great above) are simultaneously bad and very bad for you as “just her friend.”

Kind of like how you can get richest when the market's down, those seemingly “good” things I mentioned above that mark a “friend zone” resident are really not in your favor.

I said that confiding in you – trust and faith in your unconditional affection – is not a sign of attraction.

In fact, it may be a sign of lack of attraction.

It will help if you – when you’re getting details, and just when you’re watching her specifically and women in general – figure out what attraction “looks like” on her, and on women more generally.

Attraction is not a “confident” activity for a woman.

(I’m also pointing out the fact that “confide” and “confidence” are from the same root, so you can recognize its corollary relationship with your confidence: a woman that CONFIDES in you gives you her CONFIDENCE. Think about that).

Attraction Makes a Woman INSECURE

When a woman likes a guy, she is the OPPOSITE of confident.

Let that sink in for a second.

Often when a woman likes a guy, the result is insecurity (do I look okay?)…

…attempts at self-grooming (finger-combing or playing with her hair; straightening or brushing imaginary dust off clothes)…

…or smiling (a friendly display that means “I’m not going to hurt you” or “I’m afraid”).

She questions everything he means (think of how she talks about him when you listen non-judgmentally to her). She questions everything she does.

“What should I say?”

“What do you think he meant?”

“Do you think it’s because I…?”

Does that look like confidence or insecurity?

Now this same woman will tell me – in our coaching session – that she wants to be more confident. Well, whether she wants it or not, insecurity is a SYMPTOM of attraction to her. It is associated.

That means the fact that she is NOT insecure around you MAY make her happy, may be a great thing for her, but it is NOT attraction and it is NOT something she connects to attraction.

(It could be, but that is a VERY advanced topic about adjusting someone’s motivation and behavior.)

That is why your confidence can be SO powerful for her…and one of the keys that can lead you out of the friend zone, and into a more romantic frame with her.

Your Confidence can INDUCE Attraction

When you’re confident and she’s nervous and anxious, even if it’s not because she likes you, that association is triggered and attraction becomes more likely.

This is kind of like the way that a fearful situation is believed to increase arousal because a person can misattribute the heightened heart rate, perspiration and other anxiety symptoms as arousal instead of fear IF they have a romantic option to attach it to.*

Often, your confidence and unflappability can cause a woman to feel, by contrast, insecure and self-conscious. If a woman is feeling self-conscious, anxious, and/or insecure, and you are confident and comfortable, i.e. NOT showing those same feelings, she is likely to attribute it to attraction.

You are NOT like him, but she likes HIM.

OVER and OVER I hear some version of, “Her boyfriend’s SUCH a jerk – I’m not like that. I know she’d be happier with me.”

Really?

Or maybe she WILL be happier, but – and this is a difficult one to take in – how do you know she wants to be ‘happy?’

That’s crazy, right? Everyone wants to be happy, right?

Well, maybe she wants to be, but my coaching and experience has definitely given me a feeling that some people want to ‘want’ happiness, but not necessarily to have it.

Before this devolves into a challenging philosophical discussion, lets just return to whether or not she’ll be “happier.”

If by “happy” we mean “in-love, aroused, and committed to a deep relationship,” let's not use the word “happy,” but let's use…”attracted.” OK?

Let's just avoid such an overused ‘positive feeling’ word as “happy.” Functionally we’re talking about being attracted to you, so lets use that word. Fair enough?

SO – “Her boyfriend’s SUCH a jerk. I’m not like that. I know she’d be ~~happier with~~ attracted to me.”

Really?

Here’s the thing. She IS attracted to him – that’s a FACT. Isn’t it?

That’s what she’s telling you while you lay on the floor under her desk fixing her computer, isn’t it?

She’s telling you what a jerk he is, and how nervous he makes her, and how crazy he gets her, and how he pushes all her buttons, and how she gives it up to him in so many ways.

Maybe you’ve known this girl for a while. I definitely know guys like that, who’ve known this girl through several boyfriends. All of her boyfriends are “jerks” and “assholes,” and she’d be SO much happier with him and…somehow she doesn’t take advantage of this perfect guy that’s right in front of her…

Maybe you’re wrong. I don’t know. I’m just speculating, but if she’s SO into this guy and he’s a jerk…and YOU’RE NOT LIKE HIM…

Do you have any proof that she likes guys like you?

She might tell you EVERY-TIME you rub her shoulders how she wants a nice, sweet, giving, generous, handy man like you…

…yet she dumps this jerk and climbs OVER you to find another guy that just doesn’t appreciate her.

Who are you going to believe? What she says or what she does?

Your First Steps Out of the Friend Zone

Solution: instead of making yourself overly different from him, understand his position.

“Ha ha ha!! That always gets you!”

“I see how that would piss you off, but I can’t blame him.”

“Ouch. Yeah. I don’t see how else he could have done it though.”

“Yep. We’re all kind of jerks.”

This aligns you more in line with the types of guys she's attracted to. Slowly, over time, you're no longer the “nice guy” confidant in the friend zone.

She starts to associate YOU with attraction. And all of the feelings that go along with it.

But this is an advanced topic for another article. Start with these small steps and I'll promise you'll start to see her demeanor around you start to change, in a good way.

She’s with You, Talking about HIM. When she’s with HIM, is she Talking About YOU?

The worst (well, maybe it’s not the worst, but it is certainly a very bad thing that we can mostly agree on) part is that he is taking YOUR airtime.

YES, you are the one she returns to again and again to complain to, but the jerk is not physically there, yet HE is taking up the majority of her time with you.

That can be used to develop attraction, if you associate yourself with the feelings of arousal her stories and memories produce, but that is, again, a very advanced topic about social power.

The overall point for you is that she is spending YOUR time thinking of and talking about and figuring out and developing MORE attraction for HIM as a result.

You Help HIM

Not only that, but you are asking her to elaborate.

“He did what? He didn’t!”

“I don’t know why you put up with him.” (A great way to get her to answer that question in her mind. Here’s why I put up with him . . .” not good for you)

You discuss him (well, she probably makes it a subtle criteria for her company) and she discusses him, so he (and the “not-you-type-that-she's-turned-on-by” that he represents) gets all the airtime instead of you.

And thus the friend zone cycle continues…

Start Breaking Out Today

Stop being her “confidant” and start sympathizing with “the jerk's” point of view.

Start subtly, but position yourself as the type of guy SHE IS attracted to through your words and actions.

This isn't a journey that will be completed in a single interaction, day, week, or more.

Keep in mind, you're starting out from a deep hole here. The friend zone has claimed many a “nice guy” in the past. I'm going to give you more tools to escape it in future posts.

But these tools shouldn't be used casually. Start with the above and escalate from there. You'll be climbing out of the dreaded friend zone in no time.

Here's What to Do Next

Getting out of the friend zone is no easy feat, but with the steps I showed you above, I hope I gave you the confidence to go for it.

Here's the thing: Once you get her out of the friend zone, there's no guaranteeing she'll reciprocate your feelings.

You could put all the work into getting there, but if she's just not feeling you, it's over.

I'm going to tell you a secret — you can save weeks of effort if you know what signs to look for.

Women can be pretty mysterious, but there are 7 hidden signals they send men when they're interested in them.

Craig included these signals in an exclusive guide, and let me tell you — it's something you don't want to miss.

Even experts consistently miss these hidden signs, so you'll be light-years ahead of your competition simply by knowing what they are!

Just click here to get access to the 7 Hidden Signs She Likes You (Even if She's Not Talking to You at All Right Now).

Trust me — after reading this guide, you'll be taking women you thought never knew you existed on dates in no time.

Click here now to get your free guide to the 7 hidden signs she's secretly into you, and never face horrible rejection again…

*Bridge Study: Dutton, D.G.; Aaron, A. P. (1974). “Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 30: 510–517. doi:10.1037/h0037031. PMID 4455773